A Truly Difficult Post

[I opened this blog solely for this message - for those with screenreaders and find image text too hard to read. Will likely remove in a couple of weeks!]

Hi guys.

This is a very hard post to write, along w/ a small “goodbye”. But, it’s also more than that.

For 5-6 months I have not been okay - and when I say not okay, I mean the kind of darkness you can imagine, as well as some you couldn’t possibly. I’ve been doing the work - harder work than many of my lows combined. It’s been fruitful, but also left me completely ……gutted. Empty. I stared down the worst of the worst for months, but am now a literal captive released who has no idea what to even do w/ freedom. In the past, I always just turned and went right back bc I didn’t know the first thing about existing w/o someone telling me how. Since I was an infant, my life was under specific, controlled instructions to meet others’ demands or fantasies, no deviation — told who I am, given my friends/partners, spoon fed my interests and talents. And since they were all exploited, even those I did truly care about, became stained and painful. Nothing has been mine, not even my life. Now “free”, it’s becoming mine, but I’m bloody terrified, vulnerable and lost. I’m also….exhausted.

As a disabled person, the internet and social media are our lifelines. Where others go to work, the store, and hang out with friends, screens are often the only social interaction we get. It’s where we get any laughs, comfort, support, distraction, belonging. I can hardly ever leave my front door, I live alone, and could easily go days w/o hearing my own voice. It’s isolating, crushing, and unhealthy. Social media’s been my sanity and my wellness. But, as we know, the internet/our phones are also toxic and BAD for our health. For everyone - even those who CAN escape and replace it w/ meaningful face-to-face connection. The bad parts have been hitting me in a big, big way.

I am short-circuited by the flurry of emotions a single notification brings — is it support, an invasive question, ableism, something triggering, someone in danger needing me? Or worse, did I do something truly well-intentioned that upset someone and is what ends me? Is this it? Did I misstep? Is today the day my entire life, trauma history and disability are torn to shreds, for public consumption? With 15yrs worth of online content? It’s suffocating. I can’t breathe just typing it, even as a good person who can’t think of “bad things” one might find. But, on a different page of terror is the knowledge of every fragile broken heart and body needing my help — esp given my nonstop loss. I struggle to step away. I try to set those boundaries for myself, but a huge part of my JOB disallows it. My nonprofit position is reaching out to those in trouble and guiding them to stability. It bleeds back into my personal life, and the weight is breaking me down. I’m...drowning. And scared.

I’ve not personally had a “break”, no vacation or pause to focus on something survival, since before I was 16. Fifteen years w/o ever getting a breather or reset. If you only knew how much this heart of mine has been trying to save my life from unthinkable foes, as well the lives of those around me, for decades? Even as a little kid? …how many I failed and had to watch slip from my tiny fingertips? Maybe you could understand, but I know no one can. My spirit is cold. All my loved ones are dead. All my online friends are breaking. I’m alone. But, I’m also to be this bright spot. I take that role very seriously. And, it’s been my greatest fear in imposing distance or a break.

My identity - the one thing I DO know about myself - is I’m an example of survival. Of being okay. Of laughing again. It’s really, really hard to relinquish that image - not bc I’m afraid to be seen as ‘lesser’ but bc I’m terrified of what it could do to everyone who clings to it w/ all they have. But, I will be okay and need THIS to be the teaching moment. The example of self-care, of wellness, of ensuring our stability. You need to see in action the steps to claim one’s life as their own, to practise self-respect even when you don’t know who the “you” is you’re respecting, to go back to the very beginning even when you think you should be so much further. I can never be dishonest about dark parts of healing. I never want to suggest this is easy or that one day we turn a corner and are just alright. But working for it and knowing you’re WORTH that work is what is real. It’s the message. The encouragement. The hope. Even when me, Kaalyn, and her hurting, isn’t.

I won’t be leaving socials entirely. Truthfully, that’d ensure my downfall like something fierce. But, I will be imposing time limits and stepping back in others’ emotionally heavy content. I may pre-write posts/threads, share during my “allotted times” and step back again. I invite you to help keep me accountable. If you see me around all day, gimme a nudge and ask if I need to activate Selfish Mode™ and leave. But I’d also love your support, encouragement, and patience as I explore “me”.  …in figuring out what I like, what’s FUN, maybe get back to art or music. I do need to reclaim things I once enjoyed but were stolen from me, while also exploring new stuffs. Things I may be bad at and scared to share. I’m a child here, remember? Just trying to figure out if I like blue or green or if what I think is only bc someone told me it was safe. This WILL be clunky, but I want to invite you in to that process.

It’s scary to be 31 and feel this lost, disoriented, young; this robbed of life, joy, self and most everyone I ever called “family”. But, I must try. I’m going to lose this life I’ve fought so. fucking. hard. for if I don’t. And, I need to know I did EVERYTHING I could to have some of my time here is lived for ME, no one else. Thank you for all the love you’ve shown the past fews weeks as I privately took some baby steps in this direction. My efforts weren’t big enough, so I needed to make a bigger commitment — and hopefully bring your hearts along with me. Thank you.

💜💛💙 Kaa